There are many things that you should say to someone with ADHD and anxiety, though it may be difficult to sort out the between what is helpful and not helpful. I wrote a blog a few weeks ago highlighting the things you shouldn’t say to someone with ADHD and Anxiety if you want to brush up. I’ve also searched some tips in communication if that’s what you need.
Anxiety is very much a biological reaction. It works to respond to perceived threats to one’s existence. It focuses on the domains of safety to life and limb, social status & perception, and connection to one’s relationship circle. A long time ago, this occurred because of Wooly Mammoths and Saber-Toothed Tigers. Nowadays this focuses on work, bills, and relationship drama.
To help with these anxious parts of people, you need to come from a perspective of understanding and openness. This helps with finding solutions that are inclusive of the anxiety, rather than just trying to fix it. Here are i think you should say to someone who has Anxiety and ADHD.
“Why is [situation or thought] so worrying to you?”
This question is a great place to start to help your anxious ADHD person. If you don’t know why something is creating such a fearful response, just ask! This will bring you to the fears and concerns that anxiety is focusing on, and whether something is an immediate issue or something that is upcoming in the near or distant future. With this sentence tone and inflection are key. It’s important not to come off sounding frustrated or demeaning.
“I can see why [anxious thing] is so concerning to you”
It’s important to follow their explanation by showing that you understand. It doesn’t have to create anxiety in you for you to validate someone else’s experience. You also don’t have to necessarily agree with it. But showing you understand your ADHD anxiety-ridden person can be huge. A statement like this will not only make someone less anxious but will also build a further connection to problem-solving later in the conversation. One of the most powerful things to ease the pain and panic of anxiety is to validate its existence.
“What do you need right now to deal with [the anxiety or specific situation]”
Of all the things you should say to someone who has ADHD and Anxiety, this might be the most helpful to them. People typically know what they need to address a problem or situation and will tell you exactly what they need to happen. There is a multitude of coping skills in existence for anxiety, they range from grounding techniques, progressive muscle relaxation, and even journaling. For specific situations that are very imminent, someone who is anxious may ask you to help with specific tasks to make the situation less overwhelming or support them by saying reassuring them they can manage the situation. For dilemmas that may be further in the future, it’s possible that the anxious person will ask for a distraction or something to get their mind off of the problem. Whatever it is, support them in their healthy coping skills.
Learn Coping Skills to Help Your ADHD Anxiety Person
The person with anxiety may become in you asking for help. If something is too overwhelming for them to think or give you guidance on how to help. This is especially true if you have an existing relationship with the person and have dealt with their anxiety for quite some time. Learning a few coping skills to address anxiety. These helpful tools will take some of the burdens of the anxious person. I usually recommended two skills to assist others in coping.
For imminent anxiety situations: Worst, Best and Likely
This is a set of questions that helps reality test situations in front of a person and bring a person to see the whole picture of what is occurring. This guided Q&A often leads the anxious person to a less anxious state through realizing that the most likely outcome is less threatening than what the anxiety is focusing on. The first question you ask is “What is the worst thing that can happen”. You may already know this through the conversation, so it is okay to say “You told me that the worst thing that can happen is [worst case scenario or fear], right?”. You can follow this question with the best-case scenario. It is often helpful to say “Though it seems unlikely, what is the best thing that can happen?”. The last question is the key to all of this, and there are different phrasing that you can use. My favorites are “what is the outcome in the middle of these two?” or “What is most likely to happen in between these?” as they are inclusive of all the options. Ending with this question also brings into focus what the likely path forward will be, and sets more realistic expectations for the situation.
For distraction: Grounding Skills
Anxiety is nearly always focused on the future or the past, but always on what is not occurring right at this very moment. Grounding skills offer the ability to focus on what is current and present within a person’s environment. Grounding requires the use of any of the 5 senses to distract. It helps the person be present in reality. There are hundreds of ways to ground oneself, but the easier ways are through touch, sight, and sound. You can google grounding skills and find pages and pages of suggestions. Some go-to exercises are
- holding a hot or cold (ice cub or hot drink)
- smelling something pleasant (think candles, flowers, or drinks)
- listening and labeling sounds, or singing to music