What NOT to say to someone with ADHD and Anxiety
There are many things that you should not say to someone who has anxiety and ADHD. Anxiety and ADHD alone are difficult to work with and understand, so it makes sense that many have difficulty talking to someone who has both. The combination of being frozen with fear, difficulty with insight and articulating words, and communicating well enough to be understood often result in frustrating outcomes for all parties involved.
Talking to someone with ADHD and anxiety is very difficult, and takes a lot of time to practice and master. If you know someone with ADHD, it is very likely that they also deal with anxiety on some level. If you have a loved one with both of these, you will have a lifetime and learning how to communicate effectively with this person. Sometimes its through writing and journaling, other times it may be through some other non-verbal communication. Their mind is full of thoughts, fears, and worries, and all you want to do is get in their head and learn how to help.
Though learning how to talk to your person with ADHD and Anxiety takes a lot of time and effort, there are many helpful tips on what not to do in conversation while someone is anxious. I’ve compiled for of the most common statements and explain why they are not helpful below.
“[Anxoius thought or situation] is not that big of a deal”
Anxiety is something that focuses on problems. Usually, those who say this statement don’t view the situation as a problem, which is often very common. This statement is unhelpful because it minimizes and devalues the existence of anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t exist because it wants to make situations bigger than they may actually be. Rather this occurs as a way to protect the person from a feared outcome that has happened before or appears threatening to one’s existence and meaning the world.
“Everything is going to be okay”
Though this is a well-intended statement, it’s not actually a factual statement and can be toxic positivity if used too often. A perspective like this may actually push someone with anxiety away, as they will feel that they are not be understood or supported. Your person with Anxiety and ADHD will see right through this statement and often responded with either “that’s not true” or “you don’t know that for sure”.
“You’re just being anxious right now”
OF the many things not to say to someone with anxiety and ADHD, this one is a big one to avoid. This goes against how anxiety works and usually gets a response of “If I could then I would”. Anxiety is not a matter of willpower to change the thoughts and reactions to what is occurring. The job of anxiety is to focus on the perceived threat until it goes away, which only occurs until the situation passes or it is seen as not an issue in the immediate moment.
“Don’t worry about [anxious situations or thought] right now”
This goes against how anxiety works and usually gets a response of “If I could then I would”. Anxiety is not a matter of willpower to change the thoughts and reactions to what is occurring. The job of anxiety is to focus on the perceived threat until it goes away, which only occurs until the situation passes or it is seen as not an issue in the immediate moment.
3 Tips on How to Talk to Someone with ADHD and Anxiety
Talking to someone with ADHD and Anxiety can be tricky. People who fall into this category deal with a lot of things on their minds, and a lot of difficulty in how to communicate them. It is very difficult to have patience and clarity in talking to someone with these problems. There are, however, a few things you can do to help improve your situation and communication.
- Learn their non-verbal communication.
- Support them with healthy outlets to express and communicate.
- Keep your anger and frustration in check.
Learn Their Non-Verbal Communication
Non-verbal communication is big deal with ADHD and anxiety. When your person is stressed and overwhelmed how do they feel in control? Do they do the dishes or fold laundry when they are anxious? Are they quieter when their thoughts are racing? Picking up on these ques can be a big insight in where they are currently.
Support Them with Healthy Outlets
Healthy Outlets for anxiety and ADHD can help de-escalate and bring the person back to an even keel. Healthy outlets include writing, journaling, or expressive arts. They also can be productive tasks and chores, exercise, and even avoiding stimulating environments. Your anxious ADHD person will have an idea of what helps, they just need your support in doing them.
Keep Your Anger and Frustration In-Check
You definitely should not say anything to someone with ADHD and Anxiety if you are not in a good mood to have a conversation. Doing so will likely result in explosive conversations and heated arguments, certainly making things works. This is a great opportunity to practice managing your own mood management. This will actually result in an improved environment, which will help your anxious ADHD person feel better, as their environments play a large impact on what they experience.