You know the drill. Someone’s tone shifts slightly, and your whole nervous system lights up. You scan their face for signs of anger or disappointment. You replay the conversation, searching for what you said wrong. You text an apology even though you’re not sure what you’re apologizing for.
And beneath it all, that familiar terror: They’re going to leave.
If you’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, you know this fear intimately. And if you’re also a people pleaser, you’ve developed an entire system of protective strategies to prevent abandonment before it happens.
But here’s what most therapy misses: your people-pleasing isn’t a weakness. It’s a brilliant protector part that’s been working overtime to keep you safe.
The BPD-People Pleasing Connection
Borderline Personality Disorder and people-pleasing are deeply intertwined. Both stem from early experiences where love felt conditional, where connection required constant vigilance, where being “too much” or “not enough” meant risking abandonment.
In Internal Family Systems (IFS) terms, people-pleasing is a manager part—a protector that tries to control your environment and relationships to prevent painful feelings from surfacing.
For people with BPD, this manager works especially hard because:
- The stakes feel life-or-death. Early experiences taught you that disconnection = danger
- Your emotional system is highly sensitive. You feel relationship shifts before others even notice them
- You carry young parts (exiles) who experienced abandonment. Your managers are protecting these wounded parts at all costs
Meet Your People-Pleasing Protector
Let’s get curious about this part. In IFS Therapy for BPD, we don’t try to eliminate protective parts—we befriend them and understand their role in your system.
What Your People-Pleasing Part Does
- Monitors others’ emotions constantly
- Adjusts your behavior, opinions, and even personality to match what others want
- Says yes when you mean no
- Apologizes preemptively
- Minimizes your own needs
- Works to be “low maintenance” or “easy to love”
What It’s Protecting You From
Beneath the people-pleasing manager is usually a young exile who carries memories and beliefs like:
- “If I’m too much, they’ll leave”
- “My needs are a burden”
- “I have to earn love”
- “Being abandoned is unbearable”
- “I’m not worthy of unconditional love”
Your people-pleasing part learned that if it could just be perfect enough, agreeable enough, helpful enough—maybe, just maybe, you could avoid that unbearable pain.
Why Traditional Therapy Falls Short
Most approaches to BPD and people-pleasing focus on skills and boundaries:
- “Practice saying no”
- “Set healthy boundaries”
- “Learn to tolerate others’ disappointment”
These are valuable skills. But if you’ve tried them, you know what happens: your people-pleasing part panics. Setting a boundary feels like signing your own abandonment warrant. Saying no triggers overwhelming guilt and fear.
That’s because you’re asking a protector to stop protecting before you’ve healed what it’s protecting.
It’s like telling a security guard to take a break while the building is still on fire.
IFS Therapy for BPD: Healing from the Inside Out
Internal Family Systems works differently. Instead of trying to change your people-pleasing behavior, we:
1. Befriend the People-Pleasing Part
We get curious about it. We thank it for working so hard. We ask what it’s afraid would happen if it stopped people-pleasing.
This alone is revolutionary for most clients. Instead of shame (“Why can’t I just set boundaries?”), there’s compassion (“This part has been protecting me”).
2. Ask It to Step Back (Just a Little)
Once the people-pleasing part trusts that we’re not trying to eliminate it, we ask if it would be willing to relax—just enough for us to meet the part it’s protecting.
3. Meet the Exile
This is where the real healing happens. We meet the young part who experienced abandonment, rejection, or conditional love. We witness their story. We let them know they’re no longer alone.
In IFS, we call this unburdening—releasing the painful beliefs and emotions the exile has been carrying.
4. Watch the People-Pleasing Part Relax
Here’s the beautiful part: when the exile heals, the people-pleasing manager doesn’t have to work so hard anymore. It can relax. Boundaries become possible—not because you forced yourself to set them, but because the fear driving the people-pleasing has dissolved.
What This Looks Like in Real Life
Let me tell you about a client I’ll call Sarah (details changed for confidentiality).
Sarah came to therapy exhausted. She had a BPD diagnosis, a history of unstable relationships, and a pattern of losing herself in every partnership. She described herself as a “chameleon”—constantly shifting to match what her partner wanted.
In our IFS work, we met her people-pleasing manager. It was a part that had been on duty since childhood, when Sarah learned that her mother’s love was conditional on Sarah being “easy” and not causing problems.
Beneath that manager was a seven-year-old exile who believed: “If I need too much, I’ll be abandoned.”
We spent several sessions with that young part, letting her share her story, witnessing her pain, and helping her understand that she’s no longer seven, no longer dependent on a mother who couldn’t handle her needs.
As that exile healed, Sarah’s people-pleasing part began to relax. She started noticing when she was about to say yes but meant no. She experimented with small boundaries. And most importantly, when her partner seemed upset, she could check in without immediately assuming she’d done something wrong.
The fear of abandonment didn’t disappear—but it stopped running her life.
BPD, People-Pleasing, and the Path to Self-Trust
One of the most painful aspects of BPD is the feeling that you can’t trust yourself. Your emotions feel too big, your needs feel too much, your reactions feel too intense.
People-pleasing becomes a way to outsource your sense of self. If you can just figure out what others want and become that, maybe you’ll be safe.
IFS offers a different path: Self-leadership.
In IFS, Self (with a capital S) is the core of who you are—the part that’s calm, curious, compassionate, and confident. When your protective parts relax and your exiles heal, Self can lead your system.
This is what it means to trust yourself: not that you’ll never feel intense emotions or fear abandonment, but that you have a wise, grounded Self who can hold those parts with compassion.
Practical Steps: Working with Your People-Pleasing Part Today
While deep healing happens in therapy, here are some ways to start befriending your people-pleasing part:
1. Notice When It’s Active
Pay attention to moments when you’re about to say yes but feel a no in your body. That’s your people-pleasing part at work.
2. Get Curious, Not Critical
Instead of “Ugh, I’m people-pleasing again,” try: “Oh, there’s my people-pleasing part. I wonder what it’s protecting me from right now?”
3. Thank It
Seriously. Thank this part for working so hard to keep you safe. It’s been doing a job it never asked for.
4. Ask What It Needs
If your people-pleasing part could relax, what would it need to feel safe? Often, it needs to know that you (your Self) can handle others’ disappointment or anger.
5. Go Slowly
Don’t try to force boundaries before your system is ready. Healing happens at the pace of trust.
Finding IFS Therapy for BPD and People-Pleasing in Aurora, CO
If you’re looking for IFS Therapy in Aurora Colorado or Denver area, you don’t have to navigate this alone.
At Propagate Hope Counseling, I specialize in IFS therapy for people who’ve been told they’re “too sensitive” or “too much”—especially those navigating BPD, complex trauma, and people-pleasing patterns. I understand the unique intersection of emotional intensity and the exhausting work of trying to be “easy to love.”
My approach integrates:
- IFS therapy to heal the exiles driving your protective patterns
- Nature-based healing in Jefferson County Open Spaces (because sometimes the best therapy happens outside)
- Comprehensive support including individual therapy, group work, and office hours
I offer services in-person in Aurora and virtually throughout Colorado and New Jersey.
You’re Not Too Much—You’re Unhealed
If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself, I want you to know: your people-pleasing isn’t a character flaw. Your fear of abandonment isn’t irrational. Your emotional intensity isn’t too much.
You have parts that learned to survive in the best way they knew how. And now, those parts are ready to heal.
You don’t have to keep earning love. You don’t have to keep shrinking yourself to fit into others’ comfort zones. You don’t have to keep living in fear of being abandoned.
There’s another way. And it starts with befriending the parts that have been protecting you all along.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is people-pleasing always related to BPD?No. People-pleasing can develop for many reasons, including family dynamics, cultural conditioning, or trauma. However, it’s particularly common in people with BPD due to the intense fear of abandonment.
Can IFS help with people-pleasing even if I don’t have BPD?Absolutely. IFS is effective for anyone struggling with people-pleasing, regardless of diagnosis. The approach of befriending protective parts and healing underlying wounds works across many presentations.
How is IFS Therapy for BPD different from DBT? DBT teaches skills for managing emotions and relationships (incredibly valuable). IFS heals the underlying wounds that drive the emotional intensity and relationship fears. Many people find the combination of both approaches most effective.
Will I lose my empathy if I stop people-pleasing? No. True empathy comes from Self, not from people-pleasing parts. As your people-pleasing part relaxes, you’ll actually have more authentic, grounded empathy—not the anxious, self-sacrificing kind.
Where can I find IFS therapy for people-pleasing in Aurora?Propagate Hope Counseling offers IFS therapy in Aurora the denver metro area. Schedule a consultation here.
Ready to stop earning love and start receiving it? Schedule a free consultation to explore how IFS therapy can help you heal the wounds beneath your people-pleasing and step into authentic, grounded relationships.
Propagate Hope Counseling IFS Therapy for BPD & People-Pleasing in Aurora